October 22nd, Pinball Quest for the NES

Pinball. It’s not quite a video game, it’s not quite a sport. Pinball Quest for the NES. It’s not quite a pinball game, it’s not quite an RPG. It’s something….different. I’m not sure how, but Pinball Quest made it’s way to my cellphone and since I’m too damn busy to play games anymore, the only gaming I get is when I’m sitting on the Great White Throne in my bathroom. And so it was that I met Pinball Quest. POP!POP! VIVA!GOLF and CIRCUS are the three main tables to choose from. You’d think that a circus would warrant an exclamation point, especially after it’s used with such abandon on the other two tables, but you would be wrong. It’s a somber circus; the kind with sad clowns. All these things meant nothing to me. I was there for one thing, and one thing only: RPG MODE. Like some obscene cross between The Legend of Zelda and Balls of Steel, RPG MODE has you battling skeletons, witches and warlocks with your giant, steel ball of justice. You can purchase additional bumpers and upgraded paddles from the Devil himself. Yup, Old Scratch has found himself dealing in used pinball machine parts. I guess the soul trade is not what it used to be since the end of the Inquisition.

The first stage takes place in a forest where Pinball Quest throws you into a graveyard to battle it out with a series of juvenile delinquent headstones. The dead get no eternal rest in Pinball Quest, so you must destroy their headstones and piss on their bones. All of sudden, I’m Ol’ Dirty Bastard, cuz the first level is basic and easily mastered. It’s after this level that you have your first meeting with Beelzebub, and his appearance foreshadows an even greater evil just around the corner. For all I know, this is Satan’s last appearance in Pinball Quest, because I could not, for the life of me, get past this second level. See, if the ball happens slip past your flippers, it falls all the way to Level 1 where you must battle all the way back to the top. Now, it’s bad enough that the flippers react like they are underwater, but you’ve also got to contend with a warlock throwing magical rings that paralyze them, as well. These damn flippers are so slow, I hesitate to call them flippers, at all. They’re more like gentle touchers. I guess it doesn’t make much difference when the physics call for the ball to increase it’s velocity and angle by 300% at random intervals.

What the hell does all of this have to do with Halloween? Take a look down below…

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