By Brian Kent and Matt Clark (originally published on 1UP.com on January 17, 2011)
Today’s society is becoming more and more sensitive and politically correct. We here at 1UP.com are no exception and feel we should do everything in our power to protect our readers from the nefarious influence of video games that contain questionable content. Most of the major players in the video game arena do a fairly good job policing their wares, but there is one particular service that suffers from a severe lack of delinquency management: the Xbox Live Indie Games channel. Rather than soil our own fragile souls attempting to survey this repository of evil, we have enlisted the assistance of two corrupt individuals well versed in such debauchery. Allow Matt Clark and Brian Kent to be your guides to the 10 most offensive games on Xbox Live Indie Games. They are professionals, so please, don’t try these games at home.
Brian: Ninja Chop!! starts out innocently enough, but once it’s true nature is revealed, it’ll either be the best or worst game you have ever played, depending on your proclivities. Like a combination of ancient Japan and a carnival midway, Ninja Chop!! has the player chopping the tops off of milk bottles using simple timed button presses (a lot like in Fable 2’s mini-games). Its ridiculously easy and not really that exciting. That is until you chop off your first bottle cap. After that, it will all become clear. The extremely specific camera controls, the unlockable costumes (or lack thereof), and simplistic gameplay begin to make sense, unfortunately. I hate to spoil it for you, but I feel it is my duty to have uploaded the following video clip.
Matt: Personally, I think you’re way off base here. Ninja Chop!! is just wholesome, old-fashioned, American fun. Have you never been to a historic dairy? Obviously not, because if you had, you would have recognized that large-breasted ninjas being sprayed with creamy white milk is just another part of living on the farm. How else do you think milk is made? I’m just happy this game developer had the courage to create a title that is both educational and entertaining. I am in full support of Ninja Chop!!’s brand of edutainment; as long as they never use chocolate milk. That’s just disgusting.
Barf and Beer
Video (trailer): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlY2wBy5hjM
Matt: Developer meeting: “Dude! Remember that one time that we drank so much beer, and then like, we started barfing together into brown paper bags? And then like, you got alcohol poisoning and shit? Remember how Bob choked on his own vomit in his sleep? That was rad, bro. So super rad.” It’s easy to pass off Barf and Beer as just a crass spectacle, but you have to look deeper into the important contribution the game presents to alcoholics everywhere. Finally, a game that allows people with a serious addiction to “live vicariously” through simulated binge drinking. I think the film Trainspotting should have had a similar marketing strategy: “Heroin addiction got you down?”
Brian: I hate to say it, but the beer swilling video game hit its peak in 1983 with the release of Tapper. Until MadCatz releases the beer tap peripheral of my dreams, we’ll have to deal with frustratingly simplistic button pressing mini-games like this. It’s like a baby’s toy! What kind of man would design a game that teaches babies how to drink beer? Everyone knows babies only enjoy the hard stuff. I wish a brown paper bag did come with this game so that I could put it over my head while I played. It’s probably what the developers did while they programmed it.
Ace Gals Tennis
Brian: Using sex to sell something is a common practice. Ace Gals Tennis takes this marketing principle to heart and features some Bayonetta-esque girls all ready and willing to engage the player in a battle of ball swatting. I’m not afraid to admit that the one of the reasons I might watch women tennis has little to do with my enjoyment of the game, itself. So when I saw some of the girls’ suggestive poses during character selection, I recognized that the developers and I might be on the same page. Once the game started, however, I was greeted with an opponent that most would consider the exact opposite of sexy: an Xbox Live Avatar. FOILED AGAIN! (Editor’s note: That stuff Brian said about why he watches women’s tennis was completely untrue and used only for comedic effect. I swear.)
Matt: (Real Editor’s Note: All of the things Brian said about women’s tennis is totally true. He is a disgusting pervert). I haven’t seen game cover art that was this misleading since RuPaul’s Nude Wrestling for the Atari Jaguar. Still, I’m surprised you don’t find Xbox Live Avatars sexy, I mean, who doesn’t like women with freakishly tiny bodies and gigantic, horrific heads? It worked for the Olsen twins. I’ve never been a huge fan of tennis games, but Ace Gals – well, Ace Gals isn’t going to change that. Regardless, there’s no denying that the sport of tennis just exudes sex appeal. If you don’t believe me, ask Brian. That poster of Martina Navratilova didn’t just pin itself to the ceiling over his bed.
Matt: In the year 2015, the country is overrun with morbidly obese people. When faced with such a crisis, there is only one course of action: mow them all down in a hail of gunfire. Now, there is some accurate science behind Obesity Epidemic. First of all, when fat people are murdered, all of the delicious chicken wings and hamburgers they are filled with are left behind. When John Candy died, for example, every food bank in the United States had a surplus for over 12 years. Secondly, all obese people wear the same red shirt. Unless they’re in college, in which case it has Che Guevara on it.
Brian: Something Matt neglects to mention about Obesity Epidemic is that the atrocities contained therein are committed by the last remaining delectable morsels left to be uneaten. Yes, the very foods that the horizontally challenged indelibly crave are the arbiters of their doom. This is social commentary of the highest order, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let such conscionable actions ruin my freedom to be a recreational glutton. This is America! Land of the cheese! Home of the glaze! Now please excuse me while I eat this entire Turducken stuffed with hot dogs stuffed with tacos full of donuts.
Brian: The title of this game held a ton of promise, but, it unfortunately doesn’t deliver. That was the first of Bush Hunt’s offenses. I’m not one of those people that enjoy the sport of the hunting, but neither do I frown upon those that do; there’s nothing I love better than a steaming hot plate of bush, I just don’t have the skill or inclination to hunt it down and kill it. For some others, the simple slaughter of animals is enough to send them on a letter writing, Internet petition-creating tear, and Bush Hunt will suffice for them. My main problem with Bush Hunt is in the choice of animals that are meant to be hunted to death. Angry and violent bears, cougars, deer, cows and other fierce beasts, by their very nature, are often asking for the sweet release of death by hot, metal projectile to the heart. The animals of Bush Hunt, however, are the type of friendly, jovial lower life forms that I’d expect to see wearing colorful t-shirts and solving mysteries with children on Saturday mornings as I hunch over a bowl of Crunch Berries.
Matt: I don’t understand what’s offensive about this game. My grandmother is very effective at spotting offensive things, and she said, “Push Butt sounds like a nice game, dear.” After playing this excellent game, I hold it in the same high regard as other great titles like Bikini Inspector (factory simulator), Pussy Patrol (animal-control RPG), and even Yogurt Slinger (Ninja Chop). What’s more frightening here is the image of a grown man sitting in front of a television, watching cartoons featuring woodland creatures solving mysteries with children while milk and Crunch Berries stream down his face. Also, he’s apparently “hunching,” so add a little Quasimodo to that nightmare soup.
Matt: Juggler is the opposite of a suicide prevention hotline. “Don’t have any friends? Then you’ll be right at home with Juggler, loser.” Once the game is started, the developer decided to see how long a human is capable of bouncing smiley faces on a paddle (in front of kitten heads) without putting a gun in their mouth. The answer is negative five minutes. Honestly, this is the most depressing videogame ever created, and if you can finish without hanging yourself, your Xbox will print out recruiting papers for the Army special forces. As bad as Juggler is, that is the greatest game cover of all time. I wonder how long John McCain had to pose in that clown costume.
Brian: As Matt is well aware, there’s nothing I like better than a nice set of balls to play with, which is why I think he snuck Juggler onto the list. I’d love nothing more than to rip apart Juggler right in the jugular, but I find myself admiring a lot of the little touches that have gone into this game to distract us from the fact that it is a one player version of Pong. Any game that incorporates the Wilhem scream is genius in my book. And about that cover? I think something may have gone horribly wrong in the translation from Clown to English. Similar things have happened before on Xbox Live; just look at Horse Race Stater:
Judging by this cover, we can certainly deduce the game’s true name: Juggalo.
Get Your Girlfriend Into Games
Brian: If you attempted to think up an imaginary title to a non-existent game more offensive than Get Your Girlfriend Into Games, you could sniff as much Super Glue as you want, and still be nonplussed. Such a game does exist, however, and its offensiveness does indeed move beyond the insipid title. The idea of a game targeted towards non-gamers (read: girls?) is not inherently crazy, but if you are going to attempt such an objective, try to be a bit more creative than simply ripping off popular board games, some aimed at ages 3-4. “Majhong” is the stolen tile matching game we’ve all been playing since 1990, its most famous iteration probably being Shanghai. “Crossing Words” is a rip-off of Scrabble, that works okay, I guess, other than the fact that it’s only meant for one player. “Memory” (lifted without even a name change!) is exactly what it sounds like, and unless you are dating a toddler, probably won’t interest you or your non-game playing, hair-doing, make-up wearing, football clueless girlfriend. “Anagrams”, while probably not plagiarized is, get this, ANAGRAMS. Finally, “Sequence” shows players a series of button presses, then hides them and requires full recollection of the series. NEVER HAVE YOU PLAYED SUCH A GAME. So there you go, a perfect selection of titles guaranteed to get your kindergartener into games.
Matt: Why are you acting like this game isn’t the greatest invention ever? Everyone knows that girls don’t play games, and if they did, it would probably amount to combing a unicorn’s hair in a kitchen. Finally, a game that takes into account the lower comprehension skills of women, while at the same time demeaning their abilities to enjoy the same games that men do. Your girlfriend doesn’t like Call of Duty because it’s “too hard to shoot the bullet machines”? No problem; Get Your Girlfriend Into Games has some crappy crosswords that she can watch you attempt to solve with your neanderthal-like brow. I’ve been trying to come up with an anagram for “misogynist,” but I can’t come up with anything because my brain is literally made out of biceps; I am that manly.
A Perfect Massage
Matt: When it comes to technology, mankind has a predictable set of actions that are as old as time. Step one: dream of new technology; Step two: make the dream a reality; Step three: figure out how to have sex with it. Honestly, I’m surprised some dude hasn’t put a pair of boobs on a toaster yet. Videogames are not an exception to the rule, obviously, and the Xbox Live Indie Marketplace is full of games that apparently enable gamers to get a “massage.” I love the fact that all of these massage games attempt to portray themselves as anything other than a reason to rub the least sexual device in the world on your junk. “It’s great for a relaxing back massage! Try Volcano, it finishes in a gigantic explosion…from your back.”
Brian: Did Matt just say he ejaculates out of his ass? I’m not sure where he gets the idea that this medically approved physical therapy software was meant for the stimulation of one’s genitals. I mean, to even attempt to use the Xbox controller in such a way would be impractical. Matt would have to have a vagina like the Pit of Sarlacc to pleasure himself with it. Oh… I see. Well, I hope it’s a pre-Special Edition vagina, at least.
The Adventures of Captain Becky
Brian: Captain Becky shares a few similarities with a couple of the other games on our list and some runners-up, as well. Stiff controls, lack of creativity, multifarious art design, and an objectionable female protagonist. Since this familiar ground had been covered previously, I decided not to include Becky in this list, and it was at that moment when she took her revenge upon me. Three Red Lights. When a game literally red-rings your Xbox, the offensiveness scale doesn’t contain enough integers to define such a value of n. Becky was ultimately the victor here, but when I choose “Yes” on the delete confirmation dialog box, I pressed the A button FUCKING HARD.
Matt: I think it’s a shame that you missed out on this little gem, so allow me to give my take on Captain Becky. First, Becky is a….wait, what the Hell? Red ring…son of a bitch. DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU CAPTAIN BECKY, COUSIN OF EO!!
Who Did I Date Last Night?
Matt: We’ve all been there: you went on a date with a beautiful woman last night, but you have no recollection of who she was. There was probably a lot of boring crap that happened anyway, like talking or sustained eye contact. “Me remember,” you say while poring over the pictures of women in bikinis that you somehow remembered to have developed despite amnesia, “Woman – brown hair.” There’s really no need for the girl to have a name, because names contain letters and are difficult to pronounce with grunts. After putting on your cleanest Affliction t-shirt, it’s time to pound some more FourLoko and ponder why you’re so damn forgetful.
Brian: While the very concept of this game sent shivers down Matt’s spine, my greatest beef with Who Did I Date Last Night is that fact that it’s hardly a game at all. With gameplay that can be reproduced by typing “girl” in the search field of Flickr.com and then clicking the slideshow button, this game barely exists, let alone offends. At least now we know what happens to all of those pictures that come with a new wallet or picture frame.