More of the Weird World of Etsy Gaming

(Originally published on on September 16, 2011)

(includes draft notes regarding Toby “the” Gamesmaster’s comments that were ultimately removed in favor of tyranny)

A month ago, Brian Kent and Matt Clark ventured into the handmade world of crafty site in search of the finest in video game folk art. They failed. Miserably.

Well, they’ve gone back into the wild and returned with — well, they’ve returned with a whole heaping load of weird crap that’s at least marginally related to videogames. There’s a Final Fantasy bear, a Pokémon bra — you know, just normal crafts. Creative endeavors such as these are the cornerstone of the American dream, and will haunt your nightmares.


 Description: This original illustration is from my 8 Bit Dreams series.

A daily project where I’m doing spot illustrations for each of the 799 original Nintendo Entertainment System games.

While there is a lot of tragedy in this list, not everything featured here is a disappointment. Far from pathetic, this illustration of obscure NES game Amagon is pretty much fried gold, but, then again, so is the original box art. I’m having a hell of time trying to decide which is the more awesome of the two. On the one hand, you’ve got a dinosaur (including egg), robot, UFO (including Devil’s Tower), crab, crystal skull, firefly, bat, Scooby Doo eyes, and unidentified screaming, purple creature. If only it contained a shark, it would have been a solid retrospective of every movie Steven Spielberg has ever made. On the other hand, there’s that guy’s nipples. I suggest you check out artist Campbell Whyte’s website ( for more incredible drawings of every single NES title that ever was. Fester’s Quest is my favorite.

(Amagon cover image via wikipedia)






“DISTRESS IS A NATURAL LUBRICANT” (I don’t know what that means)



Gunner Yuna Costumed Teddy Bear

Description: Yuna is an about 18″ handmade non-jointed teddy bear dressed as one of the heroines of the video game Final Fantasy X-2. Her clothes are all handmade as well.

Yuna is one of our more ambitious projects, with lots of details such as a fringed hip pouch, vinyl boots, beaded and wrapped “hair” tassel, laced wristlets, and a hand-painted and lace-frilled skirt. She is one of the few extra-detailed bears of ours to not sell immediately, so she is now available on Etsy. Hooray.

As with all of our bears, Yuna is a collector’s/adult fan item; we cannot guarantee child safety. Thank you.

With Matt Clark contributing, this article has enough gay innuendo as it is without bringing costumed bears into the mix, but we did have an obligation to fill the Final Fantasy quota. In this case, we’ve “stuffed” it full to the brim, with this adorable item that cannot be guaranteed to not kill your child. If you’re the sort of person that would buy a bear like this, the world can only hope that you have not, nor shall you ever bear (HA!) offspring that will potentially creep out my future children. In spite of its admittedly fine craftsmanship, Yuna Bear is only available on Etsy because she has not yet sold in normal outlets. Thank goodness the Internet is here to suck up all the refuse that falls to the bottom of the retail ocean. Unfortunately, we’ve been hired to perform a half-assed autopsy on Etsy right here in front of you and if that Kitner boy’s remains, or something like this bear, spill out all over the dock, we apologize.












Nintendo Desk Organizer

Description: We’ve taken the cartridge cases for the classic NES games you know and love and upcycled them into a four slot desk organizer.

File your bills, organize your pen collection, use it to hold your scissors, whatever!

Be the envy of your office… or at least have a cooler place to keep your junk!

Sure, you may have taken four NES game dust covers and glued them together, expending a Super Big Gulp’s amount of creative juices, but you can’t rest on your laurels now. See, I’ve been working on my own line of desk organizers that’s going to make an Ikea KNÖS look like a NASCAR beer coozy. Get this: it’s cheap, non-toxic (for a while, at least), comes in a variety of shapes and sizes, is video game themed, and DOESN’T REQUIRE ANY GLUE. I give you, the Portal 2 Desk Organizer:


Now, I just need to work out the licensing with Valve, and you are going down, sir.











World of Warcraft Magnet – Bitches are Blue in Azeroth

Description: Stop and think for a minute. Trolls, Night Elves, Naga, Draenei. There are a lot of blue bitches making Azeroth their home. Let the world know that are aware and taking advantage of it with this 2.25 in diameter magnet stating this all important fact.

Really, stop and think for a minute. Outside of Private Benjamin, the Smurfs, James Cameron’s Avatar ™, X-Men, and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, there aren’t enough blue bitches in this world to justify the display of such a magnet. In Azeroth, however, you can rest assured that you’ll be up to your body modded elf ears in the blue bitches that you crave. And if you know what they say about blue bitches, there’s one thing you’ll never find in Azeroth: blue balls. This will go great on the fridge right in between my “Bitches have six-packs on their heads on Kronos” and “Bitches are fowl in Duckberg” magnets.






Mario Plush

Description:  This is a great plush for anyone who loves Mario or the Mario Bros game. Its great to decorate a room with or to use for a Mario themed birthday party.

Mario is 7 1/2 in. tall and comes complete with an adoption certificate!

If Snuggles the fabric softener bear had sex with an Italian plumber, the end result of their night of cling-free passion might be similar to what we see here. Just how this Mario ended up in such an overweight state is another matter, entirely. All the man ever eats are mushrooms and flowers (and occasionally some peanuts when out with Luigi) and he’s constantly exercising, particularly during auto scrolling levels. Does Kuribo’s Shoe come in sizes larger than 13? Forget about making a Koopa Troopa hide in its shell, if Mariobese jumps on a turtle, he’ll crush it like egg.


NES Pipe made to order

Description:  watch your friends get a kick out of your new tobacco pipe! ^_^

This is a custom made tobacco pipe made from a NES controller complete with carb hole and threaded mouth and bowl pieces

Feel free to ask ANY questions 😉

What was once a punchline in our previous Etsy round-up becomes a full-fledged entry,  available for purchase for those that haven’t yet spent all their remaining cash on Twinkies, Cheez-Its, and Zagnut candy bars. Previously, we caught some flak from commenters for stooping so low, but, luckily, a steady diet of whiskey and reality television has made us immune to such insightful criticism. Want to get a high score? Is Smoke your favorite Mortal Kombat character? Then put down the Donkey Bong and pick up your credit card. Maybe if you input the Konami code on this thing, you’ll be able to take 30 hits off of it instead of 3.


Video Game COSTUME Boy or Girl fashion doll

Description:  Fun. . Economical. .All New Concept. . Costume . . Great for using the imagination . .


Will fit BOY OR GIRL fashion dolls. . 10″ to 12″ tall approx. . including Ken, GI Joe, Action Figures, Barbie, Liv, Momoko, Dynamite Girls, Best Friends, Bratz, Moxie, Sindy and many more. Ask if you have any questions.

. .Doll and Clothes NOT included

You know how it is. Barbie has invited you to her Halloween slumber party at the last minute, even if it’s only because you ran into her at Party City picking up some Jack O’ Lantern shaped plates and cups. Now, you must attend a costume ball that you’re not even interested in, purely for the purposes of spite. With this functional arcade cabinet that you can wear, it won’t be the first time men put money down your pants, but it will be the last time Barbie forgets to invite you to one of her parties. Following the current trend, you’re not just a Big Buck Hunter cabinet, you’re a sexy Big Buck Hunter cabinet. Just watch out for graffiti-happy teens with Sharpies. They didn’t change Puck-Man’s name to Pac-Man for no reason at all.








Description:  “battleship” is one in an new series of photographs, that features vintage toys and dolls.

aside from occasional cropping, my work is photoshop-free. i don’t digitally alter my images and my photography has a decidedly vintage bent. i shoot people, places and all kinds of unusual things.×10-photograph-of-side/





XBOX 360 Kinect Privacy Box Cover Gamer Basic or Funky You Choose

Description:  We LOVE our Kinect, but the idea of a little camera peeking into our living room all day and night is a bit creepy. So, we designed a box that fits neatly over the system and has a little door that pops up so it can do what it needs to do when it needs to do it, but won’t get to watch me walking around in my undies later on

You’ve got to be a special kind of paranoid to be afraid that gaming cameras are watching you at all hours of the day. Thanks to ridiculous cartoons like The Littles and David the Gnome, when I was very little I believed that magical electronic devices like televisions and radios actually contained tiny little people controlling them — then I turned 4. Now, thanks to movies like Space Camp and Superman 2, I have no reason not to believe that computers will achieve a level of sentience that at least rivals that of most Internet forum posters. As such, I would like to point out that no one has scientifically proven that the Kinect is NOT secretly watching your every move, silently chuckling when you stub your toe on your coffee table in the middle of the night, or sneering in disgust when you eat that whole bag of Jalapeno Cheetos while watching Jersey Shore. Also, I would always choose “Funky”.






Turn Off The Videogame Bookmark

Description: Red handmade fabric bookmark with a red ribbon is imprinted with the following:

“Turn Off The Video Game And Read A Book !!”

Give to a family member or friend who needs to be reminded now and then

There’s nothing like that jerk family member or friend who wants to tell you how reading a book is so much more life-enriching than playing a videogame. Whatever, we’re so intellectual about stuff — what do they know? Moby Dick is about that bald musician guy, War and Peace only sounds half awesome, and we totally played Dante’s Inferno (it’s about boobs, duh). The best part of a bookmark that reminds you to read a book, is that it’s probably in the book. This is like that time I put grandpa’s medicine alarm in his heart pills box. We miss you, gramps.


Pokébra Pokémon Bra

Description: This Pokémon bra is designed to look like two Pokéballs.

Perfect for nerd lingerie or any Pokémon lover!

Don’t forget to order matching bikini style panties:

Sometime, during the ’60s, American women sought liberation from the misogynistic attitudes of males. Many women took to burning their bras, as a sign of rebellion from the constricting ties of gender roles. Today, in the 21st century, women can also find liberation – in placing their breasts into giant Pokéballs. Yes, remember what your predecessors fought for: gender equality in fair pay, the right to speak your mind, and most importantly, the right to turn your body into the starring role of an awkward pubescent boy’s dream. I actually almost feel left out now; where is my Bulbasaur banana hammock?


World’s Saddest Cupcake Toppers

Description: now marketing our custom designed creations for everyone to enjoy. These toppers can be added to any cupcake, any cookie, or any cake!

Custom Original Designed ‘VIDEO GAME INSPIRED’ Fondant Toppers for cupcakes, cookies, or cake

“Here you go little Johnny, here’s your birthday cupcakes, Xbox 360 style!” Gee, mom, thanks. I’ve always wanted my cupcakes to look like a row of frowning faces. Maybe you’ve got some Heavy Rain-inspired party horns that scream “Jason!” while we all sit around crying. Do you have some Mega Man Legends 3 screenshots you could brighten my day with? Ya know, mom, it’s not like I don’t already know you’re disappointed in how I dropped out of college to become a professional gamer. Yes, I know that was 12 years ago, and yes, I know I’m wearing a Pokébra.


Good At Games T-Shirt

Description: Turbo Kick Ass!!! I’m Good at Video Games T Shirt by Raucous Apparel

Available in Black Only

Screen Printed by handsome gentlemen to order.

            Available in sizes and shit, you know. 2x and up 24.95$

I like this seller’s style. First, there is the subtle genius of the shirt itself. At first, you look at the top of the garment and think, “How wonderful! This young man is quite good at electronic entertainment!” Then you see the bottom, and you think, “wow, this guy is a complete douchebag!” If you wear this shirt to any public place, I will personally guarantee that you will leave with over zero dates with women who are not blind. Even better, these shirts are available in many sizes, including “sizes and shit, you know.” You might have to spring the extra five bucks for 2XL, though, to fit over your head.

The Weird World of Etsy Gaming

(Originally published on on August 16, 2011)

Like most well loved media, video games often inspire creative individuals to produce their own works of art based on them. A look at most social news web sites or gaming blogs would suggest that these artistic endeavors consist of nothing but baked goods and graffiti, but it is not so. Handmade craft store offers creators a platform with which to sell their game-related wares, and the variety of product contained therein is quite staggering. OK, so most of it is soap, but here’s Matt Clark and Brian Kent to take you beyond the soap, and delve deep into the strange world of gaming crafts.


Description:  I’m cool, I’m fun I like to play a lot with my DSI and can’t be with out my Iphone cause I got to keep my facebook up to date I’m made from felt and foam and that’s how I came to life to turn any frown upside down.

Brian:  When the officers of NAMBLA got together to design themselves a mascot for the purposes of luring in prey, their effort gave birth to a puppet more frightening than any dried up bird from The Dark Crystal. Now, I’ve placed my hands in a lot of disgusting places, places that hands were not meant to go, and this malformed muppet would still give me pause a moment before insertion.  Just imagine the innards of such a gaming creature. Pushing your way past stale Hot Pockets, acidic Mountain Dew, Double Decker Tacos, and Nutter Butters to manipulate the mandible of this frightening creation is the realm of men with far more fortitude than I. If you are feeling lonely, though, we’re sure this thing would fit perfectly over your Fleshlight for at least one night of acceptable losses. “…turn any frown upside down,” while turning any stomach.

And yet, so fascinated were we with this authentic gamer depiction, we knew that we would be remiss to toss him aside like a Facebook friend request from your own mother. So, we have christened him Toby “the” Gamesmaster, official resident and spokespuppet of, and invited him to join us on our journey inside its craft-work bowels. Hopefully, his comments will provide some insight into the creative process and not make you throw up.

Daddy Is my Guitar Hero Baby Onesie


Description:  Daddy Is my Guitar Hero Baby Onesie Bodysuit or Toddler TShirt.  Give your baby some style! Also makes great baby shower gift!

Matt:  He was his hero, until one day Daddy suddenly disappeared. Sure, dad was popular when he first broke out onto the scene, but everyone quickly grew tired of storing all his shit in the hall closet. You can’t blame mom for having wandering eyes, kid; dad was becoming a bit redundant. The old man might have had an easier time if this shirt included more relevant instructions, e.g. “Please feed between raids,” “Change diaper at Call of Doodie,” or “Do not insert Wii-mote.” With helpful tips like these, Daddy, and the gaming community in general, can avoid embarrassing news headlines or CSI reenactments that tarnish our illustrious public image.


Description:  Highly Durable. Image is burned on using a process called sublimation. Image is printed and then Pressed against the tile with high pressure and heat to produce a heat and water resistant finish. This tile coaster is great as a gift for an animal lover or for yourself.

Brian:  I think I may have discovered the true identity of all of those guys I’ve met on Xbox Live.  The horrible teamwork, aloof attitudes, racial bigotry, and constant swearing now make total sense: those people are cats! Getting a cat to do your will is not at all unlike trying to get some teammate to guard the damn checkpoint, stop team-killing you, or quit driving the tank you’re riding in into a tree. Well, at least cats bathe themselves every once and a while.


Description:  Up for grabs is a Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid parody rubber duck! These ducks measure 3.5″ tall and really squeak! Please note also that each of these ducks is MADE TO ORDER so as soon as I see that you’ve purchased it, I’ll get to making it. Solid Snake and Metal Gear Solid are a property of Konami. He is only used here as a PARODY of the original character as, obviously, he isn’t a duck, but he’s a really funny duck.

Matt:  The seller actually offers a little more insight into his skilled trade on the Etsy page. When ordering one of his fine ducks, you may receive a slightly different duck, because he’s “constantly perfecting his duck making.” I like to think that this guy’s sitting in a Buddhist temple somewhere, surrounded by rubber duckies, being coached by a wise master of duck-arts. As cool as that sounds, I’m actually terrified to ask where he gets the hair from. Maybe there should be another disclaimer: “Additional ducks may take an extra month to process; I have nothing left to wax.”

Pipe Cleaner Samus

Description:  This is a good one. I even have Samus Aran. She’s from the hit video game Metroid. It is 5-6 inches tall and in god condition. Also available in Metroid Fusion Samus, Zero suit Samus, Gravity Suit Samus, Phazon Suit Samus from the Prime series, and an alternate version of the zero suit Samus(Justin Bailey).

Brian:  I’d sure like to have Samus clean my pipes, ifyaknowwhatImean, but in this case, “The Other M” stands for malformed. From her mismatched leg warmers, to her lumpy, fuzzy, awkward breasts and gigantic head, Pipe Cleaner Samus is solely the wet dream of corn-cob pipes or puppets named Toby. If you squint really hard, it kind of looks like a really anti-aliased version of Samus, though. While mostly just operating in the realm of sexy, Pipe Cleaner Samus is also a fully-functional bounty hunter, cleansing the insides of your pipes like she cleanses the universe of Metroids. Seems a perfect fit for my own personal smoking device:


Video Game Inspired Personalized Kids Birthday Shirt


Description:  Our personalized video game inspired shirt features your child’s name and age (found after the word “Level”) on our “video screen.” The back of the shirt showcases a video game controller complete with your child’s name and the caption “Birthday Boy.” You can choose any words you’d like to be printed on the back band of the shirt! This is a unique & original way for the guest of honor to stand out even more on his special day!

Matt:  I remember being a nerdy videogame kid. It was so awesome going to school, being excited about the local arcade getting a Space Harrier machine, and having other kids pour milk on your head. Ah, those were “the good ol’ days.” Luckily, this insightful Etsy creator has found a way to make your child even more susceptible to ridicule from the wrestling team. Just take a psuedo-Space Invaders screen, add your kid’s name, and he’s immediately being ignored on the day the cheerleader girl is handing out party invitations. As if that wasn’t great enough, you can emblazon his name on the back of the shirt with the popularity-boosting statement, “[INSERT BULLY-MEAT’S NAME], HIGH SCORE! BIRTHDAY BOY” This graphic is conveniently located on the shirt’s back, the same location where he will be kicked and mocked from. There is one line missing from the creator’s description: “Shirt made from high-absorbency chamois. Great for soaking up tears and mouth-blood alike.”


Description:  This is an acetate drypoint etching. Instead of using a copper plate, I use a thick piece of acetate and carve into it with a razor blade. The gaming system (not depicted) is Nintendo GameCube.

Brian:  I’m not sure if 1UP is even allowed to post such a picture as has been offered up by this artist, so if that is not the case, those with small children or weak stomachs should avoid clicking the following link to this item. If you are currently looking at said picture, I apologize profusely.

According to the description, the game system involved is that most sexy of consoles, a Nintendo GameCube. Forgiving for a moment this woman’s concave thighs and broken pelvis, let’s make a serious attempt to discern exactly what she might have been playing that resulted in such a candid, artistic piece. There’s really only one game that makes me want to take off all of my clothes and put on sunglasses, and that game, of course, is Winnie the Pooh’s Rumbly Tumbly Adventure. As evidenced here, it’s worth mentioning to the ladies that large sunglasses can do wonders to distract from your squid-beak mouth or an apartment floor that sits at a 45 degree angle.


Description:  One of three scents inspired by the most powerful of elemental spells in the Final Fantasy series. This is the scent of billowing flames as they surround your foes. Key ingredients to this ‘spell’ include hot cinnamon, a few drops of fiery dragon’s blood, cedarwood and juniper for tinder, and a dash of clove and nutmeg to bring out its true heat. Please check out our Elemental Spells collection, which features Thundaga, Blizzaga, and Firaga. It’s the perfect gift for the old school gamer in your life!

Matt:  I can’t wait for the next gaming convention. Now, instead of the fragrant aroma of body odor and Taco Bell flatulence, we can all look forward to the lovely scent of Chocobo dung. “This is the scent of billowing flames as they surround your foes.” Perfect, because if you’re looking to attract potential mates, there’s nothing quite like the fragrance of burning flesh to lure them into your subterranean gaming lair. I’m not sure which version of the perfume this represents, but I think we can all agree that it was pretty much downhill after the seventh batch.


Description:  Whether you are a real musician or someone who appreciates real musicians, this piece of wearable art should help you express how tired you are of all the hype surrounding the Guitar Heroes/Rock Band/similar video games. Made out of Shrinky Dinks, this piece of jewelry has both a necklace loop and a pin backing so the wearer has the option of wearing it as a pendant or a brooch.

Brian:  Well, KIM’S WORLD O’ FART, if that is your real name, you really got us on this one.  Zing! I’m going to write out a list of Real Guitar Heroes and you tell me what they all have in common: Prince, Eddie Van Halen, Eric Clapton, Jack White, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and The Edge. Incredible finger dexterity?  Exposure to music performance at an early age?  An amazing amount of drive and dedication to be the best that they can be? Wrong. All pretentious assholes.  Also of note, Real Etsy Heroes make a point to clear away any giant black hairs from their product before taking a picture. Do I have to pay extra for the hair that fell off of your Slash wig?


Description:  Originally inked by the artist and printed on heavy weight, glossy card stock. Good enough quality to send to a loved one or frame for keeps. Includes one charcoal gray envelope. Your card will be delivered to you in a clear plastic sleeve with stiff backing. Please allow 3-5 days for printing and shipping.

Matt:  Baby, I know it’s Valentine’s Day. I know you been sittin’ at home all day, thinkin’ about your love machine slaving away at the GameStop. Yeah…it’s about 2 o’ clock…you know what that means: time to end this four hour shift. That’s right, baby; daddy’s made him a Jackson, a Lincoln, and three Washingtons today. I’mma make it rain all over that Snuggie. So, I’ve been thinkin’, “How do I get an appropriate card to show you how much I want to be all up in them guts?” I found that card, sweet thing. Yeeeeeaaahhh, that’s right, your beauty rivals the graphics of Doom 3. You feel me? ‘Cause you’re dark, frightening, and haven’t been relevant since ‘bout 2005. Why you cryin’ girl? They was all sold out of them “you’re worth more than a sealed copy of Daikatana” cards.

Mini Mario Bath Bomb

Description:  Inspired by a custom order, this fun little Mario is sure to make bath time more fun! On a miniature cupcake base, this Mario will fizz as it scents your bath. You pick the scent and base color and Mario will be on his way! Everything but the cupcake wrapper is completely water soluble. Mario measures @1.75″ x 1.75″ Mario comes in a clear treat bag with scent and directions on the bottom.

Brian:  Though they’ve missed the obvious bath Bob-omb joke, I like these Mario Bath Bombs because they show Mario in an assortment of emotional states that I can choose from based on my mood. On the left, we have stern, sexy Mario, ready to sweep me off my feet. In the middle, kinky Mario’s mischievous look tells me that I may be in for an adventurous night. Finally, there’s aloof Mario, for those times when I want to take control. Super Mario Bros. bath bomb secret trick (Shhhh!  Don’t tell anyone!): sometimes I’ll use all three in one night and drift off to my own little minus world. The tiny bubbles tickle my skin, eventually leading to my own personal eruption of fireworks that don’t require waiting for the timer to end in 1, 3, or 6.


Description:  He’s coming back! Yes, really! Everyone’s favorite a$$-kickin’, alien killer!  This is a set of 4 a$$-kickin’ blank note cards! The cards are ink-jet printed from my hand-drawn art.

Each card measures 4.25″ X 5.5″. They are blank on the inside, and come with matching envelopes.  If you would like custom quantity or captions please send me a convo and I will create a custom order for you.

Matt:  This seems like a cheap cash-in on a franchise that’s already been through its share of heartbreak. Still, these cards serve an important purpose: showing what Duke looks like after all these years, especially after his third stroke. Sure, his mouth is permanently stuck in a crooked sneer, but as soon as you hear his trademark quips, you’ll know the King is back, baby! “COMME GETSSHHH SHHOMME!! *fart* I LIKE BIG GU– I’m sho lonely”

Custom video game caricature card


Description:  This listing is for a custom drawn caricature card in color of one or two people.  This 5″x7″ illustrated card comes signed & dated and ready to frame once they’ve read your message!  Let your imagination run wild! New background ideas and caricature costume ideas encouraged! Add a special message for free! These make thoughtful birthday, wedding, congratulations, anniversary, thank you & Valentine’s day cards!  Just send me photos and your ideas and I’ll get to work!

Brian:  While the title of this feature is The Weird World of Etsy Gaming, the fact is that there are really only 12 weird items.  When I came across Cameoland’s custom card producing services, I knew that we had to at least try to get her to create a ridiculous card for us.  Unfortunately, I was not prepared for the incredibly awesome result of her efforts, integrating nearly every other entry from this list into a tribute of divine proportions.  Also, that cat is huge; thank God we are safely ensconced within that bathtub.

Kids Say the Darndest Things About Video Games

Earlier this year, my daugther’s 2nd grade elementary school class was given an assignment to write a short paragraph about something they own that was important to them and draw a picture to go along with it. While I pleaded for my daughter to choose Minecraft, she ultimately selected her favorite stuffed animal. A few other smarter, less spiteful kids did find inspiration in the world of video games, and their writings rivaled those of many popular video game web sites. In fact, each of them seems to have emulated a specific style of the current video game writing stable. See if you recognize your favorite site’s style below!

The New Games Journalist

My D.S.

My D.S. is awesome! It is very special because my Dad bought it. It’s very very smooth. It has cool sounds. It is white. It is as white as snow. I love my D.S.

This writer’s emotional prose and unnecessary back story remind me of something I might read on or in Kill Screen magazine. Sure, we all have DS, but this particular DS is special. During the divorce proceedings, this youngster’s father purchased it for them to help fill the hole where love once dwelt. Like most New Games Journalists, besides aspirations of painting us a word picture, the writer finds it necessary to pad his word count with overly elaborate verbiage. While an additional “very” is quite unnecessary, I do find it hard to dispute that the DS is, indeed, quite smooth. This leads us into the most poetical part of the piece, in which the DS is compared to the delicate majesty of new fallen snow. This writer doesn’t just like their DS, or believe it to be a well made piece of hardware, they are in love with their DS, and I love them for it.

Even before games were declared Art by the Supreme Court, the DS here was depicted in crayon as being inside a sturdy wooden frame, suitable for hanging and gazing at through your Wayfarer eyeglasses. Taking a closer look at the picture, you can see that the game drawn has been paused, but contains little other recognizable objects. My best guess, with its chubby, blue, spiky haired character and tree like obstacle would be a Sonic the Hedgehog Japanese import. It’s either that or a fat Mega Man with too much hair mousse.

The Press Release


I have a Ds. It is as white as whiteboard. I can play Gameboy games and Ds games on it. It sounds like a ding and it feels rough and smooth. It looks awesome.

This entry feels like a solid marketing push that sticks to the facts. This kid went the extra mile in the drawing portion of the project, showing the DS in both the opened and closed positions; he is really selling it. His marketing savvy fell off a bit in the color description, remarking that it is, “as white as whiteboard,” but then he drops the ultimate marketing bomb: backwards compatibility. At this point, Nintendo would have been ready to offer him a job, but his last sentence contains a few curve balls. Though my photo is quite blurry, it still seems that he remarked that the system sounds like a “ding”, which leads me to believe this 7 year old marketer spent a little too much time on Urban Dictionary looking for buzzwords. Then, rather than targeting a specific demographic, he hoped to capture a wider audience and stated that the system feels both rough AND smooth. Way to gild the lily, second grader.

The Consumer Report


My DSiXL is as blue as the sea. It has two screens. There are four circles. Circle letter A is to go. Circle letter B is to stop. Circle letter Y is to boost. Circle letter X is to beep. And the screens are to see the car. The six dots are to hear. The Circle is to see yourself and to see someone else. And the R and L are to slide. The Start and Select are to pause. My DSiXL is cool.

If our first DS entry cops from your favorite New Games Journalist, this entry pulls straight from the Consumer Reports school of reporting. No single detail of the DS’s features are missed, except for the fact that it can play other games besides Mario Kart. Still, if you are in the market for a Mario Kart machine, this write-up has got you covered, even going so far as to describe the very nature of the speaker vents. Unfortunately, the picture portion of this entry doesn’t deliver the same level of detail. I’ve spent the past hour trying to figure out what the blue squares and orange Xs flanking the DS are.

The Blogger


Yoshi is a dinosaur dragon. I got him from a Chinese store. His nose is as big as an apple. He can fly a little and grab stuff with his tongue. All he says is “yoshi.” He also lays eggs and he runs super fast. If Yoshi gets wings he can fly a lot.

Here we have an article only peripherally related to gaming, perfect for a blog or tumblr. Granted, it’s not a cake power-sculpted out of inedible fondant, or magic bead pixel art, but it gets the job done in a solid fan boy way. Is Yoshi a dinosaur, a dragon, or both? All we know for sure is that this kid picked him up in Chinatown after one of his father’s weekly massage appointments. As with most non-commercial writings, the art on this one is what brings in the page views. I doubt I could draw as good a depiction of Yoshi now, let alone when I was a portly 2nd grader. Despite his erect stature, Yoshi is instantly recognizable and a ton of little details have gone into this work. Coins, a fire flower, star power, Yoshi egg, “gomba”, and three types of mushrooms make an appearance, all labelled appropriately. The artist even went so far as to draw a baby Yoshi that is the spitting image of his father. I didn’t even put that much effort into the creation of my own child; mostly, I just laid on my back.

The Retro Gamer
My Gamecube

My GameCube feels as smooth as a penny on a couple of sides and bumpy on the other sides. It looks like a cube because it is one. It is awesome in every way. You can play videogames on it.

Nostalgia. It often paints a bright, sunny picture of the past to help us forget the times that we were struck by the lightning of reality. Like many before him, this writer cherishes the game system of his youth, believing it to be superior to any forthcoming offerings. “Awesome in every way,” with the exception of market share. The author, in an attempt to rebuff detractors of the GameCube’s legacy, reminds us (very specifically) that this is a system for playing video games, not watching movies, playing music, or other ancillary features touted by the competition back in the day. In the picture portion, the GameCube’s handle has strangely migrated from the back of the machine to the top, and it appears that he has connected a Microsoft Sidewider PC joypad into controller port 1. Ah, well. Such is the nature of memory.

The Comedian

My Wii
My Wii started out as white as milk, but now is turning yellow from lack of use. A spider has taken up Resident, and seems to enjoy it’s pretty blue glow. I love my spider, even thought he is Evil.

Finally, we come to the most annoying of entries, The Comedian. Rather than stick straight to the assignment, this class clown has seen fit to go for laughs instead of approaching the subject seriously. Sure, it will win him a few guffaws from the peanut gallery, but he won’t ever become the Lester Bangs of video game journalism with this kind of attitude. If this were my kid, you can rest assured that I would punish him within an inch of his life. Let’s see how easy it would be to maintain that Ferris Beuller attitude after a day of no personal credit card! Well, at least he didn’t make a top 10 list.